Disjointed Thinking

Was I a fool to think.... yes, I undoubtedly was. I should probably have stopped thinking a long time ago. Thought, the foundation of my life, and driver of my actions, betrays me as often as I believe emotion would if I let it. Rational analysis of the situation seems to lead to greater confusion as often as it does clarity. It means only that I know all the arguments, not that I know which is right. If I cannot trust my heart, no amount of analysing it will tell me what is right.

Do I miss her? Of course I do. Barely a day goes by when I do not think of her. Maybe just the briefest recollection. A small and unimportant thing that reminds me of her in some way or other.

Do I wish things were different? Yes... and no... in so many different ways I can't even begin to sort and classify my feelings like I usually would. And regardless, wishing gets me nowhere, whichever way I would wish. I am where I am, and got here because I did what I thought was best at every turning. At every crossroads I choose what I believed to be the right path.

Do you know what and who I'm writing about? No doubt... even if I'd like to believe otherwise. I once thought I was being very clever, walking the tightrope between being obvious and nobody being able to tell. Now, after a couple of things people have said, I've changed my mind. I think a number of people knew all along. Did she? Maybe... no doubt I'll never really know - I don't think I want to either.