Home Alone

Parents left for two weeks away... somewhere... this morning. Not that it makes a great deal of difference in most things, I spend more time in York now than here. They might not be too thrilled to come back to find I've signed the lease on a flat... but anyone who knows how far I've got with that in the last 3 months probably isn't too worried about that. It does mean I'll have to do all my own washing, ironing and cooking for a couple of weeks. I'll just have to disappoint all of you who are therefore expecting me to turn up crumpled and unfed at work though, I'm pretty capable at all three.

In other news.... well there isn't much other news really. Work is work, and the project is as subject to political manoeuvrings as projects always are. Between the 3 people who think they're in charge and the guy whose sole aim in life at the moment appears to be derailing the whole thing, I'm often going nowhere fast. Still, the infamous "monthending" next week, where I get pulled off the project entirely for 3 days of brain-in-neutral routine. A change is a good as a rest, or so they say.

Oh, and before I forget, a special mention to Pete D, who takes great pleasure in taking the piss out of, well... pretty much everyone, me included. But I don’t care, he’s rubbish at Zookeeper.

End of an Era

Background from www.digitalblasphemy.com, with my own airbrushed text. I tinker with graphics, I'm not quite good enough to do this quality of CG yet.

Riddler

Thoughts for today.

Speak in riddles with your back to the truth
You can’t loose what you never had
Invisible weights hold my shoulders down, but I hold my head high because I can carry them.
The smile on my face hides the tears in my eyes
Running on a treadmill, too lazy to stop.
I walk my own path, but can’t see the road. I knew the way until I looked for it.

Smile, the future is brighter that way.

Rock DJ

Inspired by Lint... (now thats worrying)

Me in songs. (in a deliberately random order, and varying levels of relevance)

Tequila Sunrise
Bridge over Troubled Water
Things I cannot Change
Birds Without Wings
Immortality
Anything
Something Stupid
No Regrets
Everybody Hurts

Bonus points for anyone naming all the arists in the above list.

Balance

To compensate for yesterdays overly long existencial crisis post, here's a one line summary of what I would say today,



"I am a fool. An honest fool perhaps, but a fool none the less"

The Risk

How do you define if a risk is worth taking? Statistics? Intuition? Logic? Random guesswork?

If you had to risk everything to get what you most wanted, would you? Of course, it's easy to say one way or the other when you're not in the situation. When I was younger I though I was a brave idealist, who would risk all for what he believed in, what he wanted. Whose ideals and morals were uncompromisable and non-negotiable. I find now, that I'm not in many ways, but in some ways I am. Many of my principals are as unshakable as they were back when there was nothing to shake them. I don't drink, and I'm proud of that in a way. I don't presume to tell anyone else that they shouldn't, but to me its part of who I am, and while many people have tried, bribed, bullied and otherwise tried to convince me to change, I won't. But in many ways I'm not the crusading idealist I perhaps thought I was. I always avoid confrontation, and while my ideals remain unchanged, they're mostly hidden. I don't volunteer information on what I believe unless I'm asked, and even then I edge around the subject in fear of provoking confrontation over it. I've probably never volunteered the fact I don't drink, and when asked I say "well, err... umm" while my mind races to select which of the many reasons I don't drink is most acceptable to the person asking. I never lie about why, but I don't necessarily go into much detail either.

I always dreamed of being a hero, jumping in to save the damsel in distress (and usually winning her heart in the process), and always though that, given a real life situation that demanded I do something "brave" I would. But now I can't help thinking I'd edge around it, pretend I'd not seen like everyone else, while also looking on in morbid fascination from a detached position the other side of an imaginary glass wall. I'm neither big nor strong, and I'd almost certainly loose any fight I got into… however that’s not the point. I've always felt that you should never be afraid to do the "right" thing, despite the personal risks involved. A maybe I would... there are people I think I'd die to protect. But I'm not sure, and for some reason, I don't like that.

And this makes me something that really annoys me in other people. People whose beliefs and actions are malleable to the group they're with, whose faces and personalities change with the winds, with a spineless fear of being different. People who talk large but look the other way when it counts.

Once upon a time, I knew who I was. I'm not that person any more, if I ever was, but I'm not sure who I am instead.

A day like today

At work today...

I went slightly crazy trying to get my head around various complex caculations apparenly incompatable with human thought processes, as they managed to confuse everyone I talked to about them. And it's all Chips fault.

On the way home from work today...

I fell asleep on the train. Like I do every day. The train rushed trough towns and countryside, and I didn't take any notice, due to being alseep.

Shattered Glass

There's a flip side to every coin, but I feel like a gaming dice.
If you put all the pieces of me together would you get a whole?
Would all the conflicting aspects of myself just cancel out, and leave you with nothing?
Thoughts dance forever just out of reach, months by the fireside of my mind.
Seeing other people's point of view is one thing... when you can see every point of view, and none seem any more correct than the others, then you have a problem.
Decisions feel like things only made by those who don't understand the question. Those who understand the question know there are no answers.
The grass is always greener, but this desert only has sand.
Can you fear love more than death?

The meaning of life? Confusion.

Why the long face, Bill?

Super shot post today, just to stick up this link, which I think is pretty funny.

Bill Gates gets a nasty dose of truth!
Ctrl-Alt-Del

If Only

"What would you do if you
Just one little pill in your hand
That changed around all you could be
That helped you forget what you've seen
If all you've ever wanted, was to let go..."
(The Calling, if you're interested)

There are a lot of things I wish were different... everything from the leaderships of the world and the tendencies of humanity down to the hair that grows (or maybe just lives) on my head. Would change them if I could? If I could change just one thing, what would it be? What would you change if you had just one wish? I'd like to think I'd be noble and change something for the good of all humanity. Undo the last few years of hugely destabilising crusades against some fictitious "axis of evil" and the misdirected "morals" of western administrations. I think I'd be very tempted to change something a great deal more selfish.

To quote another song on the same album

"and if somehow fate were in my hands
Would it be enough to understand
Why wee feel lost in a world so small
If only love could find us all..."