The Risk

How do you define if a risk is worth taking? Statistics? Intuition? Logic? Random guesswork?

If you had to risk everything to get what you most wanted, would you? Of course, it's easy to say one way or the other when you're not in the situation. When I was younger I though I was a brave idealist, who would risk all for what he believed in, what he wanted. Whose ideals and morals were uncompromisable and non-negotiable. I find now, that I'm not in many ways, but in some ways I am. Many of my principals are as unshakable as they were back when there was nothing to shake them. I don't drink, and I'm proud of that in a way. I don't presume to tell anyone else that they shouldn't, but to me its part of who I am, and while many people have tried, bribed, bullied and otherwise tried to convince me to change, I won't. But in many ways I'm not the crusading idealist I perhaps thought I was. I always avoid confrontation, and while my ideals remain unchanged, they're mostly hidden. I don't volunteer information on what I believe unless I'm asked, and even then I edge around the subject in fear of provoking confrontation over it. I've probably never volunteered the fact I don't drink, and when asked I say "well, err... umm" while my mind races to select which of the many reasons I don't drink is most acceptable to the person asking. I never lie about why, but I don't necessarily go into much detail either.

I always dreamed of being a hero, jumping in to save the damsel in distress (and usually winning her heart in the process), and always though that, given a real life situation that demanded I do something "brave" I would. But now I can't help thinking I'd edge around it, pretend I'd not seen like everyone else, while also looking on in morbid fascination from a detached position the other side of an imaginary glass wall. I'm neither big nor strong, and I'd almost certainly loose any fight I got into… however that’s not the point. I've always felt that you should never be afraid to do the "right" thing, despite the personal risks involved. A maybe I would... there are people I think I'd die to protect. But I'm not sure, and for some reason, I don't like that.

And this makes me something that really annoys me in other people. People whose beliefs and actions are malleable to the group they're with, whose faces and personalities change with the winds, with a spineless fear of being different. People who talk large but look the other way when it counts.

Once upon a time, I knew who I was. I'm not that person any more, if I ever was, but I'm not sure who I am instead.